Flowing River's Blog

Roller Derby: A Game About Overcoming Fear

Fear.

Fear is an invisible cage that you put yourself in.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of humiliation.

Fear of failure.

Fear binds you into not living the life you deserve.

Fear traps you into despair and barres you from joy.

For me, fear of humiliation almost stopped me from joining roller derby....an activity and a community that has enriched my life more than I could have possibly imagined....but fear almost kept me away from it all.

I vaguely remember the first time I ever put roller skates on. I was 6 years old when I went to my neighbor's house to skate....she had a new pair, so I could borrow her old ones... After her mother backed the family car out from under the carport, and with the accompanied skate key, I strapped those metal skates to my shoes and the course of my life changed for ever.

Throughout my younger years, you could find me at the skating rink Friday nights without fail and each chance I could in between. I would come home everyday after school, plug in my portable cassette tape player (see below) and make up "figure skating" routines to mushy loves songs like "Guilty" by Streisand and Gibb. My childhood dreams revolved around skating....being a famous figure skater, winning the daily skate races at the rink, learning to skate backwards and stop with my toe stoppers...now that was some cool stuff right there....I longed be asked to couple skate...to put my arms around a boy's neck while we swayed and skated in unison; me of course, skating backwards so he could lead.

And the only time I ever broke a bone during my youth, is when I was skate racing my friend, Anne, tripped over myself when I leaned into a curve too far thus ending up with a fractured hand after the fall. It was glorious.

But then the teenager years came and skate nights were replaced with parties, movies and just hanging out.

Aside from the short stint with taking my kids to the rink, skating was something I did in the past... Until the fateful day when a derby girl from the Camel City Thrashers came to my EmbroidMe store, looking for team shirts.  As soon as I heard what this 40something woman was doing, my entire being craved to put my skates back on....all except my old self, the one that said "you are going to humiliate yourself".  But instead of just tucking that little nugget away in my head, and letting it decide MY future....I said it out loud, "I would love to skate, but I'm too old and fat"....and to my wonderful surprise, her response was, "Look, I know you aren't any older than me and I have lost at least 45 pounds since I started derby".  

Hook, Line and Sinker....I was in baby!

In my humble opinion, Roller Derby is first a mental game and second about skill.  If you can't get passed the first hurdle, you will never be a good derby player.

I can't possibly tell you the number of times I have heard, "it's all in your head" when me or someone else is struggling with a skill at practice....and 99% of the time, that's right on the mark!  The fear of busting my ass paralyzed me when it came to jumps...I still loathe doing jumps, but I'm passed the point where the fear stops me from doing them.  And what I have discovered is that most of the time, being encouraged (and when I say encouraged I mean pushed)  by coaches or teammates to just try it, can get you to face the fear and just do it.  But sometimes, like my fear of jumping, takes determination, creativity and practice to get through that fear.

So how did I finally get my jumps down?  I went to the local skating rink, held on to the wall and jumped in place, knowing that I could hold on for dear life if I needed to, then I would slowly skate the length of the wall and jump while still holding on.....things progressively built from there. Before I knew it, I was jumping over cones at practice....and damn, it feels good when I don't bust my ass!

Each time I strap on my skates, I'm given a chance to grow as a person....to face my fears, head on, knowing that I have a support system that will catch me even if I do fall...literally and figuratively.  This, in turn teaches me to face my fears everyday as I parent my kids, run my business and try to live a healthier life.

As adults, we all have fears, even more so than kids because many times we have more to lose than just a scraped knee.

What are your fears?  

Reaching for a dream you gave up on many years ago? Going on an adventure trip you read about in National Geographic? Starting a new business?

And when you think about those fears, think about how it could be keeping you from joys, experiences and friendships. About how you could be living a more enriched life than you ever thought imaginable.

Intrigued?

My challenge for you is to take one step in facing the fear that's holding you back.  What would that step be?

My first faced fear in Roller Derby, was going to watch the first practice.  Once I saw the wide spectrum of people who played the game, all fear of being able to "fit it" were gone.  That one simple step was all I needed to skate down the new road that has brought me joy and growth as both a skater and person.

What's your first step going to be?

 

 

Love and be loved. 

 

Got the First Bout Fears?

So you're a new granny, just passed assessments and gearing up for your first bout?

Are you looking for a way to ease the fear that threatens to make you pee your pants at the thought of actually jamming...in public?

I've got the cure that ails you.

Get injured.

Crack a rib, get a concussion, or bust your knee up...whatever....just pick something that will take you out indefinitely.

It will make you ache and hunger and promise to do just about anything to get your skates back on and pick up where you left off....the word "fear" will be entirely erased from your vocabulary.

My injury of choice is a torn hamstring and, I'm here to tell you it completely sucks!

I'm not actually a granny or fresh meat, I'm somewhere in the space continuum between fresh meat, but not in the category of granny either for lack of passing assessments. However, I fully practice with the team and for all intents and purposes do everything grannies do but skate in scheduled bouts. With that being said, each time we scrimmaged at practice, I was TERRIFIED because I don't trust my bouting skills and knowledge of the game.

But all that changed two weeks ago when I pulled my hamstring during a scrimmage/practice. Now I am reduced to endless heating and icing my leg, stretching it throughout the day and wishing it would freaking stop hurting again each time I get my hopes up that it's feeling better.

The turning point came last Monday at practice while we, I mean they, were doing situational drills as I was stuck in the middle of the track watching the pack go by me over and over again like a kid stuck in the center of a merry-go-round.

My body motioned back and forth, side to side as I telepathically urged each girl to do as I would do....there was no fear, no anxiety...just the NEED to be out there, in my skates, in my zone, with the teammates I have grown to love.

I have assessments at the end of March and I'm well aware that this injury could stop me from passing this go round. Yet, there is no better motivator to get better than to have something in your grasp and then having it yanked away from you before you ever get the chance to call it your own.

But make no mistake about it, Derby will be mine. And I will pump my fists with pride as the bout announcer introduces "Salllmonnnnn Elllllla Poissssonnnnn".

By the way, the second biggest motivator for never giving up is when your coach walks up to you while the big merry-go-round spins, puts his arm around your shoulder and says, "I hate you aren't out there, you should be out there."

I will be Professor, I will be.

Love and be loved.

Facebook and Politics

Here's the thing I learned from the last Presidential election.

Politics and Facebook don't mix if you want to keep your friends.

Already, just this week, I have seriously thought about dropping two people from my Facebook because I get so tired of their snide, insulting political posts. And these are people I like....a lot.

I admit that I have had my share of posting politically polarizing statements on Facebook too, but I always end up either insulting someone or getting in a heated debate about who is right and wrong. And the end result is always the same....frustration or anger and nobody being persuaded to change their mind. So what's the point, really?

The truth is, most people, including me, develop courage behind the computer screen and post things they wouldn't normally bring up in a conversation with their friends who have different political views. It's not entirely different from a mob mentality, where you feel safer doing things as a group than you would as an individual. After all, most people's closest friends are those who are like-minded; therefore, posting something that would be well accepted by most of your friends on Facebook seems like a harmless thing to do.

But what about the other people you have chosen to share your Facebook page with people who don't stand on your side of the aisle and find your "clever" posts to be offensive and insulting? I mean, is it any different than if you were having a conversation with a group of liberals, standing next to a friend of yours who is a conservative and you say, "I think that anyone who voted for George Bush is an idiot"? Yet, I had two different friends who posted almost those exact words (substitute "dumbass" for "idiot" in one instance) and I actually did de-friend one of them until after the election because she enraged me just about everyday with her rants. She still drives me crazy with her insults, but we have made peace by deciding to agree to disagree and it's all groovy now.

Look, we all know Republicans and Democrats, both have a lot of faults and whether you want to admit it or not, each party has some good ideas too. But is there anything to gain by publicly declaring that "Southerners who didn't vote for Obama are racists" or "African-Americans who voted for Obama only did so because he is black"? To me, they are both horrendous and disgusting things to say and only add fuel to the fire....and both of these statements came from different people with whom I am friends on facebook.

It all just seems so meaningless to me! After the elections are over, we will all go back to posting about upcoming school tests, trips, roller derby bouts and how great our kids did at their soccer tournaments....but along the way did we alienate or lose a few friends because of some in-the-moment-of-passion posts? And when you look back, will it be worth it all? Will your life have been truly turned upside down or right-side up based upon who was elected President?

For me, it's not worth it. It wasn't worth the friends I lost because we both decided to go to the dark side with our political passions. We should have been talking about raising our kids or how much fun we had at the beach last summer for the last four years, but instead we are now strangers, pulled apart by letting our emotions get the best of us.

Please don't misunderstand my point here....we all have a responsibility to understand what is going on in our country, make informed decisions on who we want to be President, Governor, and Congressman....and then go vote based on those choices. But we can disagree with each other politely and considerately.

So, I am pledging here and now, not to post politically polarizing statements, links or comments on my wall this election year. There will be times when I must firmly fight the temptation to do so...but not risking the possibility of hurting a friend is undoubtedly worth it.

I invite you to make the same pledge....and I would love to hear from you if you too decide to abstain from political pollution.

Love and be loved.

Roller Derby is a Way of Life

I joined a roller derby team in June.

And it has completely and gloriously changed my life.

I have been trying for two months to find the words to tell my story. To describe how I felt before and how I feel now. To tell you how I hate exercising, but not THIS exercising, about how one person coming to my store to look for derby shirts changed everything and how I grew up loving to skate and now I get to skate again....but after tonight's practice with my beloved Camel City Thrashers. I realized that's not what I really want to say, but this is.....

Being a part of roller derby has given me 2 important things:

A New Family

Playing a team sport has been a new experience for me. You have to learn things quickly, but at the same time my teammates have been so patient with their teachings and making sure I do things the right way. I've always been so hard on myself if I "mess up" in front of other people, especially if they are counting on me to do it right....but being in derby has taught me to suck it up, listen to what I'm told and do it the right way next time. Nobody thinks lesser of me for doing it wrong and FINALLY I don't dwell on it either....but you can be damn sure that the next time you DO get it right....someone's going to be there celebrating with you because she remembered your struggle before. Tonight I had several teammates, who I really respect as players, relay to me how much I have improved....and let me tell you, there is no bigger motivator and confidence builder than to hear that from them, because roller derby isn't about sugar coating anything.

But more than that, I have a new family and it's filled with "opposites" in just about every form it can come in....from pink haired to no haired women, lesbians and heterosexuals, moms and daughters, 20 year olds and 50+, short tiny women and tall big women and we have doctors, scientists, sales reps, waitresses, cashiers, store owners, students and everything in between....and we are all Camel City Thrashers. I may not want to be best friends with everyone on the team yet others have become adored friends that I can't even imagine life without anymore, but no matter what, they are my teammates and I "got their back" and I know without a doubt that they have mine too!

It's truly a new dynamic for me. I cherish it.

A New Confidence

If you have kept up with any of my previous blog posts, you know that I have struggled with my weight and body confidence for as long as I can honestly remember. I have spent a life of embarrassment, regret, shyness, missed opportunity and down right self hatred because of it. As I have shared before, almost all the memories of important events in my life include me being able to recall exactly how much I weighed at the time.

Have you ever seen what roller derby girls wear?

Think tights, booty shorts and tank tops.

I would rather splash battery acid in my face before going out in public wearing something like that, BEFORE roller derby was part of my life. But now it's just what I wear....and putting my bright colored booty shorts on over my pink tights each week for practice brings me a feeling of pride, joy and excitement because I'm getting ready to do something that I love to do and want so badly to be good at. So what if people stare at me when I'm wearing my derby clothes, I'm not ashamed because there is nothing to be ashamed of....I'm doing something good and healthy for myself.

Not only that, but being a plus size girl, actually has it's advantages in roller derby, which is so freakin' cool! Who wants to be shoulder blocked by a 200lb plus woman who is about to put all her strength and body weight into knocking you down? Any takers?

And here is the best part of all.... I don't know how much I weigh right now because it just doesn't have the importance it once did. Sure I still want to be my ideal weight, but I know that sweating my ass off at least three times a week trying to be the best skater and roller derby player I can be is going to give me great health results whether I lose the weight or not. I just know that when I put on my skates, something really really good is about to happen....it's been a great ride and I haven't even started bouting yet.

So yeah, this roller derby gig I got goin' is some good stuff. I think I'll keep at it for a spell.

September 11, 2001...I Won't Relive this Day

I think most Americans agree that September 11, 2001 was one of the worst days of their lives. And like most of you, every detail of the way I experienced it is forever etched in my mind from the moment I heard the news that the first plan hit to a few days later when the first regular tv show finally came back on again.

The things that raced through your mind, the emotions that gripped you over and over again as you tried to make sense of it all was tormenting:

Denial: "This couldn't possibly be happening in America."

Shock: "This is happening in America."

Fear: "Am I in real danger, do I need to do something?"

Panic: "Where are the people in my family? Are they safe?" (I go pick up my my 2 year old whose preschool is directly next door to a federal courthouse)

Sorrow washes over me: How terrified the people on the planes must have been, the children, my God the children on that plane....nobody should have to endure that kind of fear. This was the first gut wrenching, from the soul cry I had.

Confusion

Anger

More sadness

Pride and Honor in being an American

The list goes on, but now, as I am writing this...bringing up all these emotions is threatening to put me in the frame of mind I am trying to avoid.

Everybody deals with tragedy in their own way and there is no doubt that September 11, 2011 is going to be an exceptionally emotional day for millions of people, especially those who lost someone that was dear to them.

There has already been a great deal on tv and the news about remembering 9/11...it's a part of American History and it's important that we NEVER forget.

But I just can't relive that day. It's too painful.

A few minutes ago I tried to watch this video and lasted all of 45 seconds before I was sobbing and stopped viewing it.

I don't want September 11th to be a day that I am forever sad......

I want it to be a day that I wear colors that stand for our country, I want to wear an American Flag pin over my heart and I want it to be a day that I am just happy to be alive and to live in Greensboro, North Carolina, United States of America.

I want to give my deepest respects to those who died that day and those that still suffer from the effects of it. Those who died on the planes especially the children, those who jumped from the towers instead of burning to death like so many others, those who died when the buildings collapsed, the firefighters who died while trying to rescue others and those who died while trying to stop those souless bastards!

And for me, the best way I can respect them, is to hold my head up high and make it a day of love and thankfulness. I will not spend the day endlessly watching programs on tv about things that happened that day or spend my time reading stories about it....

I experienced September 11, 2001 once already and that is more than enough for a lifetime.

Love and be loved.

Second Wave Wednesday

My favorite movie of all-time is "The Outsiders".  I love the story, the movie (my gosh, could there have been a hotter group of cast members?) and I loved that time in my life.  1983 was my first year of living in North Carolina and my fun group of neighborhood friends and I went to see Ponyboy and Company at the Carolina Circle Mall...I think that's one of the reasons it's my favorite movie, it conjures up such feelings of sentiment that I can't help but be moved.  But also, Ponyboy and Johnny show such raw emotions  that the teenage girl in me will forever be connected to them.

 

Another way I connect, is through music and the feelings it brings out in me and the different ways that can happen.  My favorite songs elicit various emotions either with their melody or the lyrics and sometimes even both things touch me!  The Paper Tongue's song, "Get Higher" is addictive!  It's a different kind of love song, because this is no ballad, in fact it rocks!  And for my fellow Twilight Series lovers out there...can you pick up on the 2 Twilight-ish references in the lyrics?  If I ever get to talk to these guys, who happen to be from Charlotte, North Carolina, I'm going to ask them if they intentionally speak Edward or if it's just a natural talent! =)  Please, please, please leave me a comment if you figure out the Edward speak...it will make me smile!!!  But even if you don't pick up on the reference...you are sure to enjoy the song!

Dreaming New Dreams (part 1 of several)

As a parent, we all have things we want for our children...to have friends, do well in school, participate in activities that interest them and then grow up to lead fulfilling lives.  But what happens when you realize that these dreams may not be the reality of your child?

What happens when, at the age of 6 you find your son is completely out of control? 

I found myself in this exact position 5 years ago.  By the end of kindergarten I was literally picking him up early everyday at school because of something behavior related.  He had either pushed somebody, lost himself in a rage which could include throwing stuff, having a temper tantrum on the floor or even running away.  But the worse part would come after we got home and he would cry, yell and scratch himself because he was so remorseful.  The tipping point came one day when he ran up to his room and I heard him screaming over and over that he wanted to kill himself.  That's right, you didn't misread it...at six years old, he wanted to die.

So what did I do?

First, I cried, a lot!  As a mother, I went through unimaginable pain because something was happening to my child that neither he nor I could explain.  I would beg him to tell me why he did the things he did and his answer would be that he didn't know why...and then we would both fall into a crying embrace.  When he isn't enraged, he is a sweet, sweet child who just wants to make people happy and he craved to change my desperate sadness.  My son would come up to me and say, "I know what will make you happy again Mommy." and  would give me a big hug and kiss.  Even now, as I write this 5 years later, it tears my heart wide open to remember how lost and sad we all were.

But crying doesn't change anything, so I went to searching and researching and reading and getting consults.  It took a while, but we finally got a diagnosis.  It wasn't anything a parent wants to hear, but having a name for something gave me  a little understanding and more resolve to finding answers .  It also forced me to change the dreams I had for him.  I just wanted him to function within a normal school setting and be able to go to the store without screaming over and over that he was going to die if he didn't get out of there soon.  It is amazing how your perspectives change when achieving some sort of normalcy is a top goal for the moment; as well as trying not to let it consume you along with consuming everyone else in the family.....

Second Wave Wednesday

Greetings from the year of our Lord, 1980! On this day I bring you a trailer from the movie Xanadu. A movie that I obsessed about musically. In fact, I have some of the songs from the soundtrack on my ipod!   I have seen this movie probably 50 times, and it's so bad....but oh so good! I don't understand it and I really don't need to. Even if you didn't like this movie, or worse, never saw it, you need to watch the clip, there are some majorily funkadelic 80's fashions in there....and I'm not talking about the good fasions we all loved from that era, I'm talking about some scary stuff....

Are you still with me or did I lose you to Xanadu?

Today's Second Wave Song is one that actually reminds me of the New Wave Sound. It is a beautiful song...lyrics, melody and all. And  is brought to you by A Silent Film.

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we were all "Driven By Their Beating Hearts"?  Listening to their words takes me to a place where we  all just love each other and forget everything else, sometimes it feels good to go there, if only in my mind. 

 

;

Making Something New Out of Leftovers!

I'm not much of a cook.

I would like to officially blame it on my mom, because she didn't cook much and she didn't teach me.  I don't feel bad saying this because my kids are going to say the exact same thing about me.

It's not that I don't like to cook, but it can be very time consuming and I really loathe cleaning up afterward.  But that's not to say I don't go through phases of enjoying it...especially trying a new recipe.

Last year I stumbled upon this DELICIOUS recipe from Pots and Pins which is a blog I follow.  It's called Cafe Rio Chicken Salad With Cafe Rio Rice and Cafe Rio Dressing and you can find the recipe here.  It's seems like a lot to do, but the crock-pot makes it go much easier...and the ranch dressing is to die for!

The last time I made this dish, I had a ton of chicken left over and decided to freeze it for something else.  I have tried to make chicken salad out of it before, but that didn't go over well.  However earlier this week I had a brilliant idea....chicken pizza!  It took me a couple of days to get organized enough to make it...and tonight was finally the night!  It turned out yummy and I'm sharing the recipe with all you good people.

1 prepared pizza dough

1/2 cup of ranch dressing (I bought some from a restaurant that sells their own recipe-message me if you want to know where)

1 large tomato, sliced

1 3/4 cup cheddar cheese, shredded

1 cup of the leftover chicken (even if you don't make the whole dish from Pots and Pins, at least make the chicken...it's addicting)

Pre-heat oven according to pizza package directions.  Pour ranch dressing onto pizza dough and spread evenly.  Place tomatoes, then shredded cheddar cheese, then  chicken all around pizza.  Place in oven and cook according to package directions.  Enjoy!

This was so so easy to make and everyone ate it up!

Let me know what you guys think!

 

Second Wave Wednesday

Who's ready to party Prince style, like it's 1999?   Or even better, party like it's 1986 at your boyfriend's junior prom, wearing an oh-so-Pretty-in-Pink southern bell style dress and acting extremely tubular with coordinating Risky-Business-sunglasses? 
 This was such a happy time for me!  I was just months away from moving back to Greensboro for my senior year in high school after being gone for two years, I had flown in from Tampa to go to prom with my sweet and cuter than cute boyfriend Dave Pleasants and my bestest friends had come over that day to help me get ready for the big night!  Not only did they help me get ready, my girlfriend accomplices sneaked out clothes for me to change into after the dance...what my parents didn't know didn't hurt them (I hope my sons don't read this)!

But that was then and this is now!  And today, I am really diggin' Middle Class Rut's latest song, "New Low".  This song just begs to be turned up....LOUD! And your goal is to sing louder than the volume...you can't really feel the song until you do that!  Go ahead, try it and then tell me I'm wrong...I dare ya! =)