Sometimes, I just get the feeling to write. I don’t have anything “pressing” on my mind or heart. It’s just a feeling I get…that there is something I need to say, or more than likely, something I need to fully feel.
This is a good time in my life. I’m taking the time to find out who I am. So far I like what I am, partly because I’m doing the things I need to do in order to get rid of the things I don’t like about myself. One of things I am working on is moving away from the unhealthy people in my life. It’s a hard hard thing to do. Much harder than I anticipated. Especially when the one person I need to let go of is someone who I desperately want to be in my life. But I have made a commitment to love myself, and I can’t do it with him hanging around. He’s a wonderful person, we have so very much in common, I can be myself with him and that just makes our connection even stronger…but it’s not the right time. We both know it and we both struggle with it…and I have to let go. I have cried about it, accepted it, and then I hear from him again. It starts the whole process over again...but thankfully this time, I’m not in my emotions as much.
This isn’t good for me, especially when the biggest struggle I am dealing with at the moment is loneliness. So I have to constantly remind myself that there are other people out there who are healthy for me. And, one day he may be good for me. If one day is the right time for us…I hope fate will bring us back into each other’s lives. So for now, I’m on a quest to find the answer to dealing with being by myself.
The feelings of loneliness for me are quite surprising. I am an only child, so being alone has never been much of a problem before; it’s just been part of my life. And while I was married, I cherished the times I had by myself, especially if I had the house to alone. Never before have I struggled with how to occupy my time because I was happy to choose from the list of things that brought me joy, like movies, shopping and my crafts. But now it is different.
And it’s not about me not having friends. It’s more of a feeling of needing the fuel that people bring me. Of course the reality is that friends aren’t going to be available during all my free time, especially because my free time is so erratic. So I need to deal with that loneliness in ways that are good for me (ie…not stress eating about it). Here are some things I have discovered that work for me in varying degrees:
· Walking. I have said several times in my writings that walking helps me organize and clear up my thoughts.
· Reading fiction. I’m definitely a fiction girl because nonfiction weighs down my mind with the burdens and problems of real life. Fiction, although it can be realistic, helps me to escape my world and enjoy another.
· Meditation. There actually are times I like to be by myself, especially right this minute…because I am basking in the wonders of nature. Surrounded by the one thing that always brings me calm and happiness…water. My water of choice at the moment is a wonderful brook that is filled with rocks which make a beautiful sound as the water flows down stream.
· Online chatting. Okay hear me out before you make the same judgment I made about myself. This is not me meeting some freaky online people waiting to butcher me. I was really lonely and upset one afternoon…knowing that I was going to have to fill the whole day with something to keep me occupied and sane. So I went to an online chat room about hobbies and crafts. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but felt there wasn’t much to lose. It ended up being a surprisingly wonderful time…and there weren’t a bunch of crazies on there (although the crazies can be fun also). I found lots of people who wanted to talk about things that I love, it occupied a huge chunk of my day, and it curbed my need for connecting with people. It also ended up that we didn’t just chat about crafts, often times conversation turned to other things as well, like opening up to others about things going on in our lives. It was pretty darn fascinating.
· Playing my guitar. Learning the guitar is something I always wanted to do…so about 2 months ago I signed up for a lesson. It’s been great. And this week I have made a goal of learning how to play my first song, “Scarborough Fair” by Simon and Garfunkel. I think once I can actually play songs, it will bring the excitement level up a notch.
I can do this. It’s part of the process of being a 40 year old single mom. I just need to give myself permission to deal with things as I go. And understanding what I need and what brings me joy…will keep me in a happy place so that one day, when the time is right, I can have a healthy love relationship with someone else. Until then, I’ll do the work.
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