In the late 1800’s some “experts” in the field of infant care decided that cuddling and
holding babies was a primitive practice and that a hands-off approach was much
better for raising children. Subsequently, a new epidemic appeared where seemingly healthy infants
stopped eating, failed to thrive and eventually died.
They were literally dying to be held, cuddled and loved.
So when the experts finally realized the cause of these deaths, and parents returned to
the instincts of hugging their infants, the disease was no longer an issue. (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201202/advanced-sexual-techniques-world-class-lovers)
Humans physically and emotionally need to have real human connections to survive.
Granted, people have different levels of the need to feel and touch others. Some people are very guarded with whom they come in contact and yet others have a high level of touchy-feely needs.
Me, me, me,me ,me! (Raises hand enthusiastically)
I’m the touchy-feely type. If we are friends, chances are you are going to get a hug from me each time we meet. Unless, of course, I have perceived you as being guarded, in which case you may get a
fist-bump instead. But hey, it’s all good.
The firsttime I truly understood this about myself is when I became known as one of the “free-huggers” at Camp Indian Springs, where I spent my summers as a teenager working as a
camp counselor. If someone wanted or needed a hug, they knew I was a sure thing. And I basked in it…I was very aware that having a physical connection with a friend would lead to having a deeper connection on all levels. And I’m all about those strong friendships.
So where does all this “need to touch” stuff leave us when it comes to romantic relationships? If you are being “intimate” with someone, why would it be important to have what people call “non-sexual
touch”?
Well, I’m certainly no expert in the subject, but I do have experiences from which to pull. I’ve been in relationships where holding hands or putting your arms around each other was only a precursor to other things that were expected to come later. And those things are fine when the relationship is new…but I believe if you are only being touched with strings and expectations attached to that
touching….you will eventually learn to hate being touched by your partner.
Right now I am in the healthiest romantic relationship of my life. We have a great deal of respect between the two of us and treat each other as such. But being happy is not a coincidence, I went into the relationship committing to be completely honest with him; and deciding that if I couldn’t do that, then there would be no relationship. Fortunately for me, I happened to find someone who is very open, safe and easy to talk to, so being honest with him has not been a challenge.
I do, however, spend a lot of time thinking about and wondering why things are so good between us. Not that I am trying to analyze us to exhaustion, but because I want to make sure we continue to
practice the things that make us who we are as a couple. I don’t want to mess this up.
One of the items on the list of things we do right is integrating affectionate touching into the time we have together. We normally only see each other on weekends, so I spend much of our face time trying to make up for the weekdays when I don’t get to intertwine my fingers with his, put my arms around his neck or feel his leg propped up against mine as we watch “Mad Men”.
In fact, I feel most relaxed when we snuggle on the couch, my head on his chest, his arm around
me and my hand lightly in his. I have also found that I love to run my hands over his face and was curious as to why. I don’t remember every wanting to do that to anyone else, so why now?
Well, it ends up, according to Joe Navarro, a former FBI agent, expert in non-verbal communication and a blogger for Psychology Today, that “The act of touching is a highly effective pacifier, which is why we do it to others (children crying) and to ourselves (combing or stroking hair, rubbing hands,
touching our noses, massaging our foreheads and neck). It is also a highly effective way to say I care and I love.”
Essentially, touching your partner in a kind and affectionate manner, in a way that doesn’t have a hidden meaning of “hey, I’m doing this for you now so you’ll want to get busy later”, is an added way
to communicate your love, while at the same time strengthening the emotional bond.
So even if you don’t consider yourself the touchy-feely type, I urge you to take the risk, open yourself up and “talk” to your partner in a different way. You may just find a new love language.
Love and be loved.
(A big thanks to my teammate Christina DeVincenzo for providing the beautiful photo)
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