I like myself...I really do. It's taken me a long time to come to this point in the road.
I'm far from perfect. I know I'm a messy person, I can be opinionated, scatter brained and it's hard for me to take criticism.
I'm also a loyal friend, a loving person, accepting, a good mom, kind, creative, responsible and an ok roller derby player.
I also weigh a lot and in that respect, I hate myself. Hate is a strong word.
But why am I so ashamed of being overweight?
I play roller derby and I love it...I love it because I finally found a sport where my being big can work for me instead of against me....my big butt, if used correctly, can actually help my team out. Terrific right? Yeah, I think so too....until bout pictures show up on facebook...and then I want to cry.
I want so badly to see myself on the outside the way I see myself on the inside when I play derby....yet all I see is a big fat blob who looks like she's barely able to stay on skates. Instead of feeling proud of myself for being out there and being of some use to my team, I dwell on how fat I look.
Then the other day, while talking with a friend about this, I said to her, "Why can't I just love myself the way others love me?"
What a revelation! Instead of hating myself every time I look in the mirror or when I see those- below the face pictures....why can't I just see myself the way other people who love me see me everyday? They are seeing the exact same things I see in pictures of myself....yet there they are, loving me no matter how I look. Yes, they see I'm over weight...but THEY DON'T CARE!
So then again, if they don't care, then why do I?
Easy answer....a lifetime of being taught that being fat is shameful. And when I say a lifetime, I mean a lifetime.....starting in 4th grade when Amy Zakarin decided she didn't want to be friends anymore by announcing to our class during gym that she hated me because I was fat. And ending, so far, with a guy telling me last year to "go eat another biscuit" when he thought I backed out of a parking space too slowly.
Society in general hates fat people and loves stereotyping them as lazy, disgusting pigs who can't or don't care of themselves. Case and point: have you seen the ambushing of Kim Kardashian's weight gain lately? I'm no fan of hers, but my God, these tabloids are horrible to her....nobody deserves that! And then we wonder why America's teens are so bent on starving themselves.
For years I've been writing on here about Healing the Fat Girl, about trying to come to terms with myself and finally being able to lose the weight. But maybe healing the fat girl means deciding to be kind and gentle to myself and accepting me for who I am, like so many other people accept me for who I am. Maybe it's not really about me losing weight, maybe it's about me deciding to stop judging myself and just being fine with who I am.
Love and be loved.
Being 'fat' can be shameful if you are fat for the wrong reasons. If you suffered emotional dilemma and are eating to build a 'wall' around you and the world so nobody can come close and hurt you it's for the wrong reasons and could lead to shame. One may be ashamed that she did something 'wrong' and is thus not loveable. Thus leading to eating to separate you from the others.
Just a very short explanation out of the top of my head.
Posted by: Damen Jacke | December 10, 2013 at 04:08 AM