Looking back, I find that I have always had a fondness for writing, especially when it came to matters of the heart. Be it friends, lovers, family or just my observations....I enjoy writing about people.
My earliest attempt at authoring a book was at 13 years of age after reading "Flowers in the Attic" by V.C. Andrews. I distinctly remember pecking on my neighbor's typewriter as I frantically tried to keep up with my thoughts of re-capturing Ms. Andrew's ability to reveal her character's emotions simply by seeing the depths of the souls in each of their eyes. How the lust and the pain and the secrets of unspoken words could be communicated just by studying the lover's eyes. Oh boy!
And through the years I have kept journals, made more attempts at writing novels and alas, landed myself on a blog.
It started out as an extension of my crafting hobby as I hoped to make tutorials and talk about my life as a creative, but it has mostly become a place where I write about what's on my mind at the moment. It can be anything from poems, to videos, to advices, to rants. And more times than not, I'm sharing a piece of myself with the reader.
I've made my share of mistakes by writing about things that were too close or too personal for the subjects. I've made the mistake of writing a piece when I was emotionally charged and ended up hurting people. It's something that, years later, I still very much regret. But I learned and grew from it, which is all anyone can do.
Last week I wrote about something that was intensely painful and personal for me. I'm ok with the things I choose to write about, not just because they are cathartic for me, but because it's my way of reaching out to those who might be going through similar situations or issues.
And while my intentions for writing might be good, I cannot control or dictate how others will perceive or react to what I have to say.
This was the harsh lesson I was handed over the week when a former friend of mine used my very words to accuse me and a group I'm involved with of emotionally abusing her. The spectrum of emotions I have gone through during the week have sporadically changed between fury, hurt, pity, anger, sadness, betrayal, and disbelief. Then add to the mix that my words were used to fire shots at the group of people that I hold dear to my heart....well, that brought out in me a fierce desire to strike back to defend those that I love.
But in the end, here is what I settled upon....I have to let this go and I have to let this go in peace. I have to be at peace knowing that my friends and I did nothing wrong. I need to remember that she is hurting and actually IS being emotionally abused ....but she is so deep in the pain, so deep in the thick of it, that the source of it is impossible for her to pinpoint right now. And how can I not do my best to be understanding of her when I too have experienced all that comes with a controlling, manipulative relationship?
I don't want anyone to go through the horrible things I did....that's why I write about it! And I actually did hear from people last week, friends who were finally able to put a name to their suffering and even from a family member of my ex, who had only words of love and support for me.
Exposing my faults, my desires, my weaknesses and my humanness for the entire internet to see can be an extremely rewarding and inspiring thing....but it doesn't come without risks. The risk of being misunderstood, the risk of being ridiculed and the risk of being falsely accused of things I did not do.
For now however, the connections with others that I make, the words of encouragement, openess and understanding I receive from my readers far outweigh the misguided words I get from the few.
For now I will risk the pain so that others might learn to feel some love.
Love and be loved.
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