I'm going to get right to the point....there are no manuals, not even a website or a blog post that I could find that gave advice on how to transition to having my boyfriend spend the night, while my own teenagers slept upstairs in their rooms.
I could find lots of advice, opinions, strategies and what-not-to-do for young kids, but I could find nothing for teenagers....my hope was that other parents automatically got it right and so I was just the naive one looking for some help. Unfortunately, I witnessed how NOT to do it...so I'm thinking that there might be more people like me who are searching for guidance.
I am, of course no expert on the issue, but the way I went about overnights with my own crew, seems to be working out really well. So here are some of my pointers, in no particular order:
- Just say no to one night stands and casual encounters. I'm not here to judge you on having one night stands...in fact, I say go for it. But under no circumstances should your young adults be dragged into your adventures, do that on your own time while your kids are at sleepovers elsewhere. Not only is it unhealthy psychologically for them, but one night stands typically mean you don't really know that person, are you really going to subject your kids to that?
- Do introduce your kids to your new guy/girl when things move forward. One of the commitments I made to myself when I started dating after my divorce was that there would be no more whirlwind romances; slow and steady wins the race in my world. That's also a healthy attitude when introducing your kids to that special someone. Once things look like they are moving to "serious", slowly start having him or her spend more time with the family.
- Plan with your partner. The first sleep over should definitely be planned! This is not the time to be spontaneous! I cannot stress this one enough. You two should first talk about if you are ready to move up to this big step and decide when would be the best time to do it (pssst, take a look at #4 below)
- Talk with your young adults before the first sleepover. Skipping this step can result in big trust issues between you and your kids. It's a critical step in transitioning to having your love start staying the night. This is not asking your kids for permission, rather you should let them know that you two have decided to move to this next step and then talk with them about any concerns or questions they may have. This conversation should happen at least a few days before the big night and should only include you and the kids, not the partner.
- He's sleeping over not moving in. Having your boyfriend spend the night does not mean he stays over every night. It's important that your kids have the space they need during this time of adjustment....a couple of nights a week on a regular basis is plenty.
- Nobody should be walking around in their underwear. Hey teenagers are not naive little kids, they know what's probably going on in your bedroom, but you don't need to make it a billboard, neither you nor your significant other should be walking around the house in your underwear.
- Check-in with your teens. Make sure you follow-up every once in a while to see how your teens are feeling about having him/her staying over....are they feeling comfortable with her being there? Are they getting along with her? Are there any questions or concerns they would like to talk about? Keeping the lines of communication open are crucial.
- Be prepared for sex talk. If your teenagers are dating or even if they are not, be prepared to be challenged on why you get to have sleepovers, especially if you have encouraged abstinence with your kids. Unfortunately, I don't have the definitive right answer to this kind of situation, but my thoughts on the matter are that you don't have to defend yourself or take the challenge as a personal attack. Chances are they are just trying to figure out their own boundaries....this can be a great opportunity to further open lines of communication.
- Modeling healthy relationships. Taking the time to think, plan and discuss sleepovers with your teenagers can be a healthy process for them. You are setting an example of how mature, loving adults work together to make their relationship strong. My sons have also had the opportunity to see me with someone who treats me (and them) with kindess and respect.
- Give your teenagers space. Let your kids set the pace when it comes to how much interaction they have with you two when they are at home. Trying to force a good relationship between your love and your kids will only result in turmoil, let things happen naturally.
So there are my tips for bringing your significant other into your family atmosphere. I'm sure there are many other factors that could change your situation....like if your parnter has kids too or if you have full custody of your kids, that may change things for you. But the overall theme for why things are working for me is my commitment to good communication in all respects.
The bottom line is that if your teenager feels confident in his relationship with you, the parent, then he will be happy that you have found someone who cares for you and is respectful to your family.
Love and be loved.
That is very sage advice, well put. Only thing I might add is that while you may think he/she is great, your kids might not so don't force it. If they act itchy, let them go out or spend a night at a friend's. Encourage your beau/beauty to develop their own relationship with the kids and then stay out of it. Make it known you will listen to them if they want to complain about your new friend, but don't let them dictate terms. If they think it's a relationship and will benefit them, they will settle quickly with it all.
Great stuff Paula, and congratulations on the relationship. I'm very happy for you both!
R.
Posted by: Rick Townley | June 11, 2013 at 01:47 AM
Yes Rick...those are great points as well! Thank you for the input and for the congratulations! :)
Posted by: Paula in Progress | June 11, 2013 at 07:39 AM