For years I've been telling myself (and my therapist) that I am addicted to food.
She completely agreed with me and tried to help me love myself as I often cried and mourned over what I so desperately wanted to fix.
Because no matter how far I had come to get over my other issues....the food was still there, making me fat.
Fat and ashamed.
I now know that I had not truly come to terms with the food addiction I carried around with me.
I know this because for the first time in my life, I am truly dealing with and facing this craziness, head on....and it hurts and I am hurting and doing everything I can not to fill my face with cake, donuts, pasta and loaves of bread dripping in butter.
Last month I joined a social dieting website called dietbet.com. The details aren't important, but what I was faced with doing is losing a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time...the significance of this being the time issue.
Knowing that I had a finite amount of time to reach a goal forced me to give up my foods of choice which were sugar and enriched flour. And I had to do it cold turkey.
I have never had to detox from alcohol or drugs, so I can only go by my own experience, but I can't imagine that the withdrawals I had from sugar and flour are much different than detoxing from other addictions.
And I was not prepared for this AT ALL.
I was not prepared for the incredible mood swings I had.
The uncontrollable crying for seemingly no reason.
The depression.
Being irritable around my kids.
Feeling alone.
Tired.
Out of control.
Luckily, I have forgiving kids and an understanding boyfriend who may not have understood what I was going through but acted with love, patience and support as I went through this hell for a few days.
When it was over, I was still in tact and happy that I was able to get through it.
However, I am now all too aware that I will probably have to go through it again, but hopefully it won't be as overwhelming as this first time.
And why do I know that I will have to go through this again? Because food is the first thing I want to go to when I am having emotional struggles.
I'm dealing with it as I write this post, it's actually the reason for writing this blog today. I'm trying to relieve the anxiety and sadness by finding healthy ways of processing it...ways that will get me through my feelings instead of pushing them aside.
I know without a doubt that if I go into the kitchen right now and eat the oreo cookies in there, that I will almost instantly feel a sense of calm about me. The pain will go away, until I have time to process that I just gave into my addiction and then I will spend the next day beating myself for caving in. I know this because I've done it countless times before.
So what's a girl to do?
I'm trying to recognize this for what it is....trying to deal with addiction.
I'm going to trip and fall, and then I'm going to get right back up again. And I know it's worth getting back up, because I've had a taste of what it feels like to not crave sugar....I went a month without it, I had many occasions where I had a choice to cave or carry on and some of those decisions were made easily without any hesitation at all to make the right choice.
DAMN, did it feel amazing to be free from that prison....to walk by a box of donuts and not even WANT one was an incredible feeling.
I'm going to remember the positive steps I have made in my life toward recovery....I have quite easily given up sweet tea and coke, my breakfast now consists of shakeology shakes instead of McDonalds biscuits, and my nightime eating has all but vanished.
I'm also going to lean on those who offer. My boyfriend and I found out that we are really good for each other when it comes to keeping each other on track. During the weekends, we decide together what our meals will be and neither one of us ever discuss straying for that meal....instead we talk about the rewards to come or we decide we can have the other things we really want later.
And lastly, I try to remember what I felt like after going a month without sugar and then what I felt like after the first treat I allowed myself. I honestly felt nauseous, physically sick to my stomach. My body doesn't actually want me to have that crap....it's not what it needs and it's not what it wants, but through years of abuse and habit, my body learned to crave it.
So, now I go day by day, and sometimes meal by meal to make the right choices.
It's not easy, especially today when I'm dealing with other things that have made me sad...but now that I feel like I truly understand how food affects me....I can hopefully make wiser and better decisions based on knowledge instead of impulse.
Plus I have a bet to win.
Love and be loved. (This includes loving yourself)
Thanks for sharing, Paula. I have struggled with many of the same issues you discuss. In fact, I am now on day 40 of no sugar. It has been hard, but I am getting there. I still crave it, but I am able to talk myself down. I have until Thanksgiving to fast from sugar. Hopefully, I will see the benefits in how I feel before then and make this a lifelong change. I liken it to when I quit smoking 20 years ago - I had to do it cold turkey. It was a while before I didn't want to smoke again, but it did happen - and I am repulsed by the smell of it now. I am praying for that to happen with sugar.
I wish you the best on this journey. It will be worth it!
Posted by: mary n | September 10, 2013 at 01:07 PM
Thank you for your kind words Mary. How are things going? I'm plugging along and am mostly keeping on track...I do have my moments of weakness and try not to beat myself up for them. It's important to lean on each other for strength. I truly appreciate your words of encouragement and for sharing your story!
Posted by: Paula Salmon | November 01, 2013 at 10:59 AM