Paula in Progress

"We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve"

When I left my ex-husband, the last thing I wanted to do was be in a relationship again, EVER.  I would never  again give my heart over to a man who was just going to exhaust me mentally, emotionally and physically.  That was it, I had had enough.

That lasted about six months tops, because that's just not who I am.

I want to be loved.

I want to give love.

And shortly there after I found myself with another man who was 10x worse then my ex husband!  Thankfully it only took me 3 months to figure out I was really heading down the wrong path with that nut.

Somewhere along the way, early in life, I learned the wrong lesson:

I was supposed to give and  the men in my life were supposed to take.

And somehow that's how happily ever after happened?

Looking back, it seems that I preferred boys and men who needed fixing. And lucky for them, I was the one willing and wanting to do the repairs.

Unfortunately for me, I ended up sacrificing my self worth just to be who and what he needed, so that he could be happy, even if that meant that I wasn't.

The results were always predictable....an up and down roller coaster ride of wonderful highs and horrible lows that ended up with me apologizing for what? For not being a good enough house keeper, for not wanting my boyfriend to get drunk again so I'm the caretaker, for wanting to spend too much time with him? Jeez, I'm not even sure how they could stand to be with me at all!

When my son and I watched "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", the movie that the quote is from....he asked me what it meant.  So I told him it means people stay in bad relationships because they don't believe they deserve anything better than what they have.

I don't really know when or how I learned to be treated with less love than I was giving....but somewhere between then and now....I decided that I was only going to accept the love that I deserve, even if that meant being single for the rest of my life.

It's amazing what can happen when you decide you are worthy of receiving the same kind of love that you want to freely give to others.

You may even be surprised to find yourself accepting a kind of love you never knew existed. 

Love and be loved.

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Second Wave Wednesday

My favorite movie of all-time is "The Outsiders".  I love the story, the movie (my gosh, could there have been a hotter group of cast members?) and I loved that time in my life.  1983 was my first year of living in North Carolina and my fun group of neighborhood friends and I went to see Ponyboy and Company at the Carolina Circle Mall...I think that's one of the reasons it's my favorite movie, it conjures up such feelings of sentiment that I can't help but be moved.  But also, Ponyboy and Johnny show such raw emotions  that the teenage girl in me will forever be connected to them.

 

Another way I connect, is through music and the feelings it brings out in me and the different ways that can happen.  My favorite songs elicit various emotions either with their melody or the lyrics and sometimes even both things touch me!  The Paper Tongue's song, "Get Higher" is addictive!  It's a different kind of love song, because this is no ballad, in fact it rocks!  And for my fellow Twilight Series lovers out there...can you pick up on the 2 Twilight-ish references in the lyrics?  If I ever get to talk to these guys, who happen to be from Charlotte, North Carolina, I'm going to ask them if they intentionally speak Edward or if it's just a natural talent! =)  Please, please, please leave me a comment if you figure out the Edward speak...it will make me smile!!!  But even if you don't pick up on the reference...you are sure to enjoy the song!

Second Wave Wednesday

Greetings from the year of our Lord, 1980! On this day I bring you a trailer from the movie Xanadu. A movie that I obsessed about musically. In fact, I have some of the songs from the soundtrack on my ipod!   I have seen this movie probably 50 times, and it's so bad....but oh so good! I don't understand it and I really don't need to. Even if you didn't like this movie, or worse, never saw it, you need to watch the clip, there are some majorily funkadelic 80's fashions in there....and I'm not talking about the good fasions we all loved from that era, I'm talking about some scary stuff....

Are you still with me or did I lose you to Xanadu?

Today's Second Wave Song is one that actually reminds me of the New Wave Sound. It is a beautiful song...lyrics, melody and all. And  is brought to you by A Silent Film.

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we were all "Driven By Their Beating Hearts"?  Listening to their words takes me to a place where we  all just love each other and forget everything else, sometimes it feels good to go there, if only in my mind. 

 

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