Paula in Progress

It's More Than Just Roller Derby to Me

Let's be honest.

Roller Derby can be exhausting and overwhelming both mentally and physically.

It can be depressing, frustrating, maddening, thick with drama, criminal and chaotic, and that's even before you've laced up your skates.

Please don't mistake my honesty for being anything other than that.  I am not a disgruntled or disenfranchised player.

I love skating and I love my league members.

But this spring I had come to a place where it was all becoming too much for me.

I spent the better part of last year working in a committee to make by-laws for our league, I took on the job of treasurer and am now finding myself in the position of trying to change the culture of the league that must come with adopting a set of bylaws (or the bylaws are useless).

And although I had nothing but good intentions by taking on these tasks, I got way too involved and way too passionate about the league.  I was consumed with getting things right and consumed in making sure things were done "by the book" because we had never really had a book before.

Then to add to all the derby stress, I was injured in a bout in April and two months later I am still not able to skate...aaaannd there goes my stress outlet!

So when everything seemed to come to a head for me just before Memorial Day Weekend, I decided to use the long weekend to disconnect myself from derby and reconnect with me and my family.  And what I found on the other side of that weekend was someone who had turned a hobby into a life unbalanced and I was ready to take a very long summer break.  I had even told my family and a couple of very close friends that I was giving up roller derby for the summer.

It all made perfectly good sense to me until I started thinking about the family I wouldn't be seeing all those months.  Because even though people have the best plans to stay in touch and still see each other "all the time", once you take out the main-line that connects you to the group, a change is inevitable.  A change that I am not willing to give up just yet.

You see, what I have realized since Memorial Day, is that even though I came to derby to skate, what I have actually gained is something much bigger than that.  I have become part of a group that has a place for me and I in turn have a place for it.

And it's not about being the treasurer, or a veteran, or even a skater....it's about being a friend.   Each individual friendship having a life of it's own.  Whether it be someone who's an "older" skater like me, a fellow skater who understands what it's like to be in an abusive relationship, someone who has kids and can relate to my kid problems, someone who can appreciate what a cool, musically smart mom I am (hehe), or one of the younger skaters who might just need someone with a little more life experience to give them some guidance. (Plus, I apparently have a very cool trampoline that the derby folks can't do without.  And who am I to deprive them of that? :-o)

Therefore, after some soul searching and reflection, I have concluded that I don't have to give up roller derby and I don't want to...but I do need to find a better balance in my life.  I can't be everything to everyone, nor should I be.  I do have a responsibility, to be present and in the moment in whatever hat I'm wearing at the time....if it's my mom hat, business owner hat, or roller derby hat, I'm expected to be there and doing my jobs to the best of my ability....but I also need to turn some roles off while I'm engaged in others (the mom role never gets turned off).

Last week at practice, I really saw how the change in my attitude helped me to have fun at practice again, instead of quietly sulking that I couldn't skate.  I took pleasure in helping and encouraging my teammates, and honestly just enjoyed watching them skate....simply because this group of people, in all our imperfections, makes my life better.

Love and be loved.

 

 

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Why is Being Fat So Shameful?

I like myself...I really do.  It's taken me a long time to come to this point in the road.

I'm far from perfect. I know I'm a messy person, I can be opinionated, scatter brained and it's hard for me to take criticism.

I'm also a loyal friend, a loving person, accepting, a good mom, kind, creative, responsible and an ok roller derby player.

I also weigh a lot and in that respect, I hate myself.  Hate is a strong word.

But why am I so ashamed of being overweight?

I play roller derby and I love it...I love it because I finally found a sport where my being big can work for me instead of against me....my big butt, if used correctly, can actually help my team out.  Terrific right?  Yeah, I think so too....until bout pictures show up on facebook...and then I want to cry.

I want so badly to see myself on the outside the way I see myself on the inside when I play derby....yet all I see is a big fat blob who looks like she's barely able to stay on skates.  Instead of feeling proud of myself for being out there and being of some use to my team, I dwell on how fat I look.

Then the other day, while talking with a friend about this, I said to her, "Why can't I just love myself the way others love me?" 

What a revelation!  Instead of hating myself every time I look in the mirror or when I see those- below the face pictures....why can't I just see myself the way other people who love me see me everyday?  They are seeing the exact same things I see in pictures of myself....yet there they are, loving me no matter how I look.  Yes, they see I'm over weight...but THEY DON'T CARE!

So then again, if they don't care, then why do I?

Easy answer....a lifetime of being taught that being fat is shameful.  And when I say a lifetime, I mean a lifetime.....starting in 4th grade when Amy Zakarin decided she didn't want to be friends anymore by announcing to our class during gym that she hated me because I was fat.  And ending, so far, with a guy telling me last year to "go eat another biscuit" when he thought I backed out of a parking space too slowly.

Society in general hates fat people and loves stereotyping them as lazy, disgusting pigs who can't or don't care of themselves.  Case and point: have you seen the ambushing of Kim Kardashian's weight gain lately? I'm no fan of hers, but my God, these tabloids are horrible to her....nobody deserves that! And then we wonder why America's teens are so bent on starving themselves.

For years I've been writing on here about Healing the Fat Girl, about trying to come to terms with myself and finally being able to lose the weight.  But maybe healing the fat girl means deciding to be kind and gentle to myself and accepting me for who I am, like so many other people accept me for who I am.  Maybe it's not really about me losing weight, maybe it's about me deciding to stop judging myself and just being fine with who I am.

Love and be loved.

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"Derby Love is the Best Kind of Love"

"Derby love is the best kind of love" reads a recent facebook post from one teammate to another.

It was part of a cutesy little back and forth they had going between each other, in which other members of our team chimed in too.  But it sparked a thought that grew in my head as the week went on: From where I sit in the derby world, there's a lot of love being tossed around.

Of course, as a team, we bond together, just like I would hope most teams in most sports bond together.  We get up close and personal with each other at least twice a week at practice....enjoying each others derby funk pads, sharing water bottles and throwing food at each other during after practice meals.  We don't get tangled up in our sheets, we get tangled up in our wheels....and wouldn't have it any other way. It's Derby Love.

And as any other group goes, there are always those who naturally form tighter bonds together and someone might just end up finding a best friend.  But derby takes that to a new level by having derby "wives".  Derby wives are 2 people, usually on the same team, that have found a special connection together and one usually proposes to the other with a token of her love, there upon making them derby wives.  It's kind of a cheesy thing, but still it's just another thing that makes derby special.  It's Derby Love.

Don't stop there though, because derby love isn't contained to one league....it spreads to other teams and other derby players as well because the sport is still comprised of a small community.  We see and play each other, not just when our respective teams play each other, but when leagues throughout the regions host invitationals and clinics.  Men's teams are quickly coming together and many times men's and women's teams practice together in a collective effort to pool resources together.  My team, The Camel City Thrashers, has several members of the Collision Men's Roller Derby team practice with us each week and these guys quickly became part of our family too....and they make us better players. It's Derby Love.

All this love talk is great, but it shouldn't lead you to believe we don't take our sport seriously!  Just this past weekend, Camel City hosted The Spartanburg Deadly Dolls in Greensboro...and it was a battle to the end.  Definitely one of the more exciting games I have played in, as there were several lead changes, many falls, bumps, bruises and some frustrated women out on that track.  Just take one look, however, at the "after" picture of this bout, and you can tell that there is nothing but admiration and goodwill toward each other....so much so that most bouts played in roller derby are followed by an after party, where we all gather together as one big family and celebrate the existence of our sport. It's Derby Love.

The icing on the cake though, always circles back to the derby love one gets from their own league.  I was completely blown away by this realization Sunday morning when I rolled my tired, weary and battered body out of bed and read post after post on facebook from my derby family.  My news feed was overflowing with love, love and more love between our team members.  Things like: "Congratulations MVP Jammer,  you rocked it last night"; "I love being a part of CCT", "I did get to see you jam, which was awesome!", "Thank you for being a stable teammate, I really enjoyed skating with you" and on and on and on....each followed with more and more puffy hearts! Oh it makes a girl feel all warm and fuzzy inside!  If I didn't dig skating so much, I might play roller derby just for the sheer love of it!

Love and be loved!  Especially Derby Love!

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Roller Derby Is About Not Giving Up

Roller Derby Insiders spend most of their public time convincing people that the roller derby of today is not the roller derby of yesteryear.

But is it not? 

At its core, roller derby is still about hitting people and knocking them down. Period.

Now we have an evolutional form of the sport that is packed with rules, strategy and safety policies to minimize injuries...it's quite impressive, if I do say so myself.

It's quite impressive.

Yet still, it's a tough sport that requires as much if not more mental power than physical power.

I've been derby-ing for nearly 2 years and only just passed my assessments last month.  If you don't think that's a mentally tough road to pave....you need to get on some skates in your 42-year-old-fat-and-out-of-shape-self and see how easy it is to become Derby Strong.

I'm not complaining.  I love my story because it's mine and nobody can ever say I didn't do it myself.  That I didn't put in the hours of hard work on and off the track, that I didn't get bumped around, pull my hamstring, nearly break every finger in my right hand, watch person after person pass assessments and start playing bouts with my team, that I didn't cry myself to sleep many a nights because of something I couldn't do in a five minute window (skate 25 times around the track in 5 minutes).

My best friend on the team, who also recently passed her assessments, pointed out that most people wouldn't have stuck around for two years before passing.  I really hadn't thought of it that way because we really never seriously discussed giving up....we knew we had it in us, we just had to find out where it was.  She's actually quite an inspiration to me because she has had her fair share of injuries too, but hers seem to keep her out for months at a time.  Yet she never waivers in coming to practice religiously and making the most of her time off skates by studying the sport and encouraging our teammates.

We've seen countless people come and go in the 2 years we've been on the team.

Derby isn't for everyone, but as I look back at the people who left, most of them left because they gave up.  Not because they didn't like skating or they didn't like our team (because, hey, I have a great team :)....but many times you see people give up when things get hard.

I've seen skaters who are half my age (and weight) quit because they didn't pass assessments the first time, or felt like she should get to skate with the grannies instead of skating with fresh meat during practice.  Women I saw great potential in, but women who couldn't seem to get over having their feelings hurt because derby didn't come easy to them for whatever reason.

Like I said earlier, playing derby also requires a mentally strong attitude as well.  As a derby player, you have to learn to hit people, push them out of bounds and hopefully make them fall so they are no longer a threat to your jammer...but that also means you are going to get hit, pushed out of bounds and the opposing player aims to have you on your knees too.

It's not personal, but I will be the first to tell you, it sure as hell takes some mental toughness to block out those times when it DOES feel personal.  Everyone has days when the hits seem harder and the wall seems impossible to break through.

But what you choose to do with those feelings - those practices or games when you feel like everyone had a meeting beforehand to discuss how they can make your day miserable - is what sets you apart from others. 

1. You can get back up, go on with the next jam and do your best just like you did the jam before that.  You can test and push your mental toughness and just get through that practice, knowing that the next practice you will be a stronger and tougher skater because you decided to keep going. You didn't give up. 
2. OR you can storm off the track, throw your gear on the ground and leave. Give up.

Choose option 1 and your teammates will respect you for hanging in there, because everyone has off practices...I know my last 2 practices have sucked, but I also know I have a part in that, and to me there is no option but to just show up for practice again tonight and give what I got, because that's all I can do.

Choose option 2 and you're going to find yourself  in trouble with your coach and less self esteem in yourself.  But storming off in a temper tantrum more than once is going to cause your team to lose respect for you, which messes with team chemistry.

I'm a firm believer in practicing as though you were playing a bout, so if you can't keep it together during practice, how are you going to keep it together in the midst of the real thing? 

Derby is hard.  If you love the sport, stick out the tough times.  Like many things in life, anything worth having, is worth the work and the hardship.  And maybe that's how it should be.

 

The Fruition of Learning

A list (in no particular order) of things I've learned I've learned (or relearned) in the last week.

1. Nobody can ever replace your Granny, and it's a special kind of hurt when you know her days on earth are soon to be over.
2. Having a loving relationship or friendship is not supposed to be filled with pain and constant turmoil....call it something else, but it's not love.
3. Setting a goal for yourself, and having it take a whole hell of a lot longer to reach than you ever imagined it would, is worth every second of waiting.
4. Having your roller derby teammates dog pile you when said goal is reached (see #3), is a once in a lifetime  high I'll never forget.
5. Reaching that goal with your Bestie....indescribable.
6. Sometimes you don't realize people are toxic, until they aren't around anymore and suddenly everyone seems happier....that's not a coincidence.
7. Change can be exhausting, but when you have a group with the same passion and vision as you, great things can and will happen with that change.
8. My kids are more accepting and understanding of my relationship then I could ever have hoped for, but that's what happens when lesson #2 is a priority.
9. Online/Droid games are addicting.
10. I am a horrible cook, but my Granny taught me how to make delicious biscuits!

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Roller Derby: A Game About Overcoming Fear

Fear.

Fear is an invisible cage that you put yourself in.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of humiliation.

Fear of failure.

Fear binds you into not living the life you deserve.

Fear traps you into despair and barres you from joy.

For me, fear of humiliation almost stopped me from joining roller derby....an activity and a community that has enriched my life more than I could have possibly imagined....but fear almost kept me away from it all.

I vaguely remember the first time I ever put roller skates on. I was 6 years old when I went to my neighbor's house to skate....she had a new pair, so I could borrow her old ones... After her mother backed the family car out from under the carport, and with the accompanied skate key, I strapped those metal skates to my shoes and the course of my life changed for ever.

Throughout my younger years, you could find me at the skating rink Friday nights without fail and each chance I could in between. I would come home everyday after school, plug in my portable cassette tape player (see below) and make up "figure skating" routines to mushy loves songs like "Guilty" by Streisand and Gibb. My childhood dreams revolved around skating....being a famous figure skater, winning the daily skate races at the rink, learning to skate backwards and stop with my toe stoppers...now that was some cool stuff right there....I longed be asked to couple skate...to put my arms around a boy's neck while we swayed and skated in unison; me of course, skating backwards so he could lead.

And the only time I ever broke a bone during my youth, is when I was skate racing my friend, Anne, tripped over myself when I leaned into a curve too far thus ending up with a fractured hand after the fall. It was glorious.

But then the teenager years came and skate nights were replaced with parties, movies and just hanging out.

Aside from the short stint with taking my kids to the rink, skating was something I did in the past... Until the fateful day when a derby girl from the Camel City Thrashers came to my EmbroidMe store, looking for team shirts.  As soon as I heard what this 40something woman was doing, my entire being craved to put my skates back on....all except my old self, the one that said "you are going to humiliate yourself".  But instead of just tucking that little nugget away in my head, and letting it decide MY future....I said it out loud, "I would love to skate, but I'm too old and fat"....and to my wonderful surprise, her response was, "Look, I know you aren't any older than me and I have lost at least 45 pounds since I started derby".  

Hook, Line and Sinker....I was in baby!

In my humble opinion, Roller Derby is first a mental game and second about skill.  If you can't get passed the first hurdle, you will never be a good derby player.

I can't possibly tell you the number of times I have heard, "it's all in your head" when me or someone else is struggling with a skill at practice....and 99% of the time, that's right on the mark!  The fear of busting my ass paralyzed me when it came to jumps...I still loathe doing jumps, but I'm passed the point where the fear stops me from doing them.  And what I have discovered is that most of the time, being encouraged (and when I say encouraged I mean pushed)  by coaches or teammates to just try it, can get you to face the fear and just do it.  But sometimes, like my fear of jumping, takes determination, creativity and practice to get through that fear.

So how did I finally get my jumps down?  I went to the local skating rink, held on to the wall and jumped in place, knowing that I could hold on for dear life if I needed to, then I would slowly skate the length of the wall and jump while still holding on.....things progressively built from there. Before I knew it, I was jumping over cones at practice....and damn, it feels good when I don't bust my ass!

Each time I strap on my skates, I'm given a chance to grow as a person....to face my fears, head on, knowing that I have a support system that will catch me even if I do fall...literally and figuratively.  This, in turn teaches me to face my fears everyday as I parent my kids, run my business and try to live a healthier life.

As adults, we all have fears, even more so than kids because many times we have more to lose than just a scraped knee.

What are your fears?  

Reaching for a dream you gave up on many years ago? Going on an adventure trip you read about in National Geographic? Starting a new business?

And when you think about those fears, think about how it could be keeping you from joys, experiences and friendships. About how you could be living a more enriched life than you ever thought imaginable.

Intrigued?

My challenge for you is to take one step in facing the fear that's holding you back.  What would that step be?

My first faced fear in Roller Derby, was going to watch the first practice.  Once I saw the wide spectrum of people who played the game, all fear of being able to "fit it" were gone.  That one simple step was all I needed to skate down the new road that has brought me joy and growth as both a skater and person.

What's your first step going to be?

 

 

Love and be loved. 

 

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Got the First Bout Fears?

So you're a new granny, just passed assessments and gearing up for your first bout?

Are you looking for a way to ease the fear that threatens to make you pee your pants at the thought of actually jamming...in public?

I've got the cure that ails you.

Get injured.

Crack a rib, get a concussion, or bust your knee up...whatever....just pick something that will take you out indefinitely.

It will make you ache and hunger and promise to do just about anything to get your skates back on and pick up where you left off....the word "fear" will be entirely erased from your vocabulary.

My injury of choice is a torn hamstring and, I'm here to tell you it completely sucks!

I'm not actually a granny or fresh meat, I'm somewhere in the space continuum between fresh meat, but not in the category of granny either for lack of passing assessments. However, I fully practice with the team and for all intents and purposes do everything grannies do but skate in scheduled bouts. With that being said, each time we scrimmaged at practice, I was TERRIFIED because I don't trust my bouting skills and knowledge of the game.

But all that changed two weeks ago when I pulled my hamstring during a scrimmage/practice. Now I am reduced to endless heating and icing my leg, stretching it throughout the day and wishing it would freaking stop hurting again each time I get my hopes up that it's feeling better.

The turning point came last Monday at practice while we, I mean they, were doing situational drills as I was stuck in the middle of the track watching the pack go by me over and over again like a kid stuck in the center of a merry-go-round.

My body motioned back and forth, side to side as I telepathically urged each girl to do as I would do....there was no fear, no anxiety...just the NEED to be out there, in my skates, in my zone, with the teammates I have grown to love.

I have assessments at the end of March and I'm well aware that this injury could stop me from passing this go round. Yet, there is no better motivator to get better than to have something in your grasp and then having it yanked away from you before you ever get the chance to call it your own.

But make no mistake about it, Derby will be mine. And I will pump my fists with pride as the bout announcer introduces "Salllmonnnnn Elllllla Poissssonnnnn".

By the way, the second biggest motivator for never giving up is when your coach walks up to you while the big merry-go-round spins, puts his arm around your shoulder and says, "I hate you aren't out there, you should be out there."

I will be Professor, I will be.

Love and be loved.

Roller Derby is a Way of Life

I joined a roller derby team in June.

And it has completely and gloriously changed my life.

I have been trying for two months to find the words to tell my story. To describe how I felt before and how I feel now. To tell you how I hate exercising, but not THIS exercising, about how one person coming to my store to look for derby shirts changed everything and how I grew up loving to skate and now I get to skate again....but after tonight's practice with my beloved Camel City Thrashers. I realized that's not what I really want to say, but this is.....

Being a part of roller derby has given me 2 important things:

A New Family

Playing a team sport has been a new experience for me. You have to learn things quickly, but at the same time my teammates have been so patient with their teachings and making sure I do things the right way. I've always been so hard on myself if I "mess up" in front of other people, especially if they are counting on me to do it right....but being in derby has taught me to suck it up, listen to what I'm told and do it the right way next time. Nobody thinks lesser of me for doing it wrong and FINALLY I don't dwell on it either....but you can be damn sure that the next time you DO get it right....someone's going to be there celebrating with you because she remembered your struggle before. Tonight I had several teammates, who I really respect as players, relay to me how much I have improved....and let me tell you, there is no bigger motivator and confidence builder than to hear that from them, because roller derby isn't about sugar coating anything.

But more than that, I have a new family and it's filled with "opposites" in just about every form it can come in....from pink haired to no haired women, lesbians and heterosexuals, moms and daughters, 20 year olds and 50+, short tiny women and tall big women and we have doctors, scientists, sales reps, waitresses, cashiers, store owners, students and everything in between....and we are all Camel City Thrashers. I may not want to be best friends with everyone on the team yet others have become adored friends that I can't even imagine life without anymore, but no matter what, they are my teammates and I "got their back" and I know without a doubt that they have mine too!

It's truly a new dynamic for me. I cherish it.

A New Confidence

If you have kept up with any of my previous blog posts, you know that I have struggled with my weight and body confidence for as long as I can honestly remember. I have spent a life of embarrassment, regret, shyness, missed opportunity and down right self hatred because of it. As I have shared before, almost all the memories of important events in my life include me being able to recall exactly how much I weighed at the time.

Have you ever seen what roller derby girls wear?

Think tights, booty shorts and tank tops.

I would rather splash battery acid in my face before going out in public wearing something like that, BEFORE roller derby was part of my life. But now it's just what I wear....and putting my bright colored booty shorts on over my pink tights each week for practice brings me a feeling of pride, joy and excitement because I'm getting ready to do something that I love to do and want so badly to be good at. So what if people stare at me when I'm wearing my derby clothes, I'm not ashamed because there is nothing to be ashamed of....I'm doing something good and healthy for myself.

Not only that, but being a plus size girl, actually has it's advantages in roller derby, which is so freakin' cool! Who wants to be shoulder blocked by a 200lb plus woman who is about to put all her strength and body weight into knocking you down? Any takers?

And here is the best part of all.... I don't know how much I weigh right now because it just doesn't have the importance it once did. Sure I still want to be my ideal weight, but I know that sweating my ass off at least three times a week trying to be the best skater and roller derby player I can be is going to give me great health results whether I lose the weight or not. I just know that when I put on my skates, something really really good is about to happen....it's been a great ride and I haven't even started bouting yet.

So yeah, this roller derby gig I got goin' is some good stuff. I think I'll keep at it for a spell.